Changing Your World, Whether You Like It Or Not
by Domon Kasshu
Summary: A peek into the inner workings of the Decepticon Armada, with a healthy dose of influence from the human corporate world. Updated with an analysis of Decepticon sortie error ratings by Crankcase, and a quick message from your Communications Officer.
1. Re: Recent Combat

To:Decepticon Forces

From: Megatron, Decepticon Supreme Commander

Re: Recent Combat

An evaluation of recent combat efficiency has led me to believe that we as a unit need to improve our performance in a number of areas. I recently attended a Corporate Leadership Seminar in Detroit, Michigan. Shortly before torching the place to the ground following a respectful disagreement with guest speaker Jack Welch(he felt treating employees with respect and offering competitive benefit packages led to improved performance, while I felt the business end of my fusion cannon did an effective job with less overall costs), I learned many valuable techniques. I feel implementing these ideas will lead to a better, more effective and, ultimately, more happy Decepticon army. The issues of focus are as follows:

**Diversity** – Many recent operations use many of the same operatives. In fact, it has been brought to my attention that many of our plans fall under one of two strategies: (1) The Seekers and myself blasting a hole in the side of our target and (2) Soundwave being taken into the target, following the impulse of human beings to carry in strange electronics with the symbol of their sworn enemies on the front, at which time Soundwave transforms and lets the cassettes wreck the place.

Effective immediately, we will now add the following strategies to the Decepticon Playbook: (1) Sneaking Reflector into potential targets. This strategy already proved effective with a Ritz Camera in a nearby mall, as part of a recent Skywarp prank. (2) Letting the Insecticons chew holes in the wall. This cunning idea offers a curve ball to our typical blowing the wall apart strategy, and has the side benefit of reducing Insecticon feeding costs. This strategy might have potential issues with the Insecticons being left vulnerable to attack or even being run over by Autobots, but I can't imagine where this might come up. (3) Letting the Deluxe Insecticons out of the back room, where they are making cunning pamphlets and writing for Fox News.

**Combat** – One major issue is our accuracy in combat. Analysis of a recent battle shows that out of 14,838 shots fired in a recent altercation, 13 hit their mark. Of those 13, 7 struck trees and knocked off a limb, 4 hit a nearby road(one scaring a neighborhood cat), 1 hit an Autobot, and 1 hit a Discount Accident Attorney billboard.

This affects our bottom line. Those shots cost precious Energon, and the sum total of 483 cubes spent resulted in a terrified feline, a fused Autobot shoulder(easily repaired Ratchet), and a gap in Larry H. Parker's teeth on a billboard(admittedly, this has caused me great amusement, so Dirge got extra rations for being my Decepticon Warrior of the Attack for the engagement(Decepticon Warrior of the Attack sponsored by McDonald's. I'm LOVING it!").

As such, we are instituting a new combat program, called AIM. We feel implementing this program will lead to more results, less energon and, ultimately, add to our army's goal of being rulers of the cosmos. AIM(Acquire a Target, Interpret The Battlefield, Make Your Shot). I am placing Shockwave in charge of the specifics of the AIM program, and he will be sending out a memo that will detail the specifics of the plan in the near future.

**Attitude** – World domination is becoming a competitive field, and we Decepticons pride ourselves on being industry leaders. Our model has been emulated, with varying levels of success, by organizations such as the Renegades, Crooks, Venom and Microsoft. What makes the Decepticons leaders in the field, year after year, is our commitment to offering the highest quality of meglomaniacal behavior to our future subjects. In a recent J.D. Power and Associates Survey, the Decepticons ranked second in Quality of Takeover Attempts and third in Recognition. However, we finished a disappointing eighth out of ten in Monologuing. We have made available a new training module in DeceptiLearn this morning, focusing on this important skill. The video is hosted by Doctor Doom, and I for one am excited that such a legend is working with the Decepticons. Expect further modules by Doom, including How to Avoid Certain Death, How To Put a Flaw in Even The Best Master Plan, and Blaming Everything on Your Arch Nemesis.

**Benefits** - Finally, please remember that the amenities in the Nemesis are for the enjoyment of all Decepticons. When you run out all the power on the Electro Hydrolysis Neutralizer, you take away hours of fun for your comrades. And please remember to clean up the common room. This includes _all_ pieces of Rumble and Frenzy after you've assaulted them.

If we can focus on these rules, I feel we will emerge as a better and more viable organization, primed and ready to transition to governance once the world is finally ours. Remember, in a recent poll, 73 of human surveyed said the Decepticons would run things better than their own government! And don't forget our new motto!

Decepticons: Changing your world... _whether you like it or not!_


	2. Re: Work Environment

To: Decepticon Forces(certain names omitted)

From: Air Commander Starscream

Re: Work Environment

Someone has been telling you Decepticons some very bad things about a very good Seeker.

Rumors of cowardice and chicanery run rampant through the halls of our headquarters. We Decepticons conquered Cybertron by being an efficient and disciplined unit. Now, on a planet much smaller than Cybertron, with puny flesh creatures, we have become the Los Angeles Clippers of the evil world. For crying out loud, Jim Rome openly mocked us last night on his sports program(in which he dared to call me Starscreamina). I feel we have reached this low because we are bickering like a group of teenage girls at the record store with only one Backstreet Boys album.

With regards to stories about myself, I can only say this. I have done what was best for the Decepticons at every step of the way. Some point to the incident on the new Nemesis, when I supposedly shot at Megatron. The simple fact was, I detected the invisible Autobot onboard, and attempted to shoot at him. And yes, it's true, I did work with an Autobot Security Chief, but that was only to secure a powerful weapon for the Decepticon cause.

And I have never, repeat_never_, claimed I was stupid.

Ultimately, this comes back to leadership. I recently attended a Striving for Leadership seminar hosted by Victor Von Doom. I spoke at length with two people in my lunch group, a scientist named Heinrich Scarab and Gray Anderson, a charming poltician from a small midwestern town. While they appeared to be more concerned with their successful brother and what the mayor wasn't doing, respectively, we all agreed that, without solid leadership, we cannot achieve our greatest potential. I ask each of you, have we really been offered the highest quality of leadership by Megatron? Let us look at the facts, and I believe they will tell the story.

o What is the objective of the Decepticon forces? Of course, bringing more energon to our beloved homeland and bringing enlightenment to the masses of the universe(this may happen at the point of a laser gun, but these are methods, not idealogy). How many of us do you think are truly working toward this goal? If we are not, the blame falls upon our leadership for not clearly iterating this goal. Of course, it would appear our great leader is more interested in flirting with mute human robots that leading us to our manifest destiny.

o How often does Megatron make you feel valued? The sheer number of defections should answer this question sufficiently. Astrotrain, Blitzwing... was your aborted coup about power, or about the fact that you've never been recognized for your service? Do you remember those gold star balloons placed outside the door to both your quarters? Who do you think did that? Not Megatron. I won't even bother to ask Dirge, who was only pulled from a movie set because he had a weapon. And, it bears mentioning, a weapon that failed to do anything except create wonderful bite sized muffins. And while this_ has_ increased Decepticon revenue due to our deal with a certain snack cake manufacturer, do you feel it was worth it? Do you?

o Ravage, Laserbeak, Buzzsaw, Ratbat, Predacons... do any of you feel left out? Like your opinions don't matter? Maybe it's because Megatron doesn't like Primatives. Come on. Could any of you see Megatron with a form resembling an organic one(though the anonymous picture of Megatron transforming into that human creature Barney did prove most amusing). You would be more appreciated under a new regime.

o Do you remember when we had award ceremonies? Why don't we anymore? And don't tell me it's because of the last one we had, where Thrust snuck in the unrefined energon. We Decepticons have done much worse than straightening the Leaning Tower of Pisa and painting ancient Greek statues in tie dye. I miss the parties. Who knew Soundwave could do such a great Jay-Z? Or that Long Haul knew all the words to _Forever in Blue Jeans_? In these events, we get to know one another.

o Our base is underwater. I cannot be the only one who has noticed this. Why has this never been fixed? We build the Space Bridge in some random strip of land, maybe we could make an on-shore base. I for one am tired of Aquaman swimming by and saying "neener neener" every day. If you support me as your new leader, I have one word for you all: Margaritaville.

I put this to you all, my fellow Decepticons. Perhaps I have made a misstep or two along the way, and perhaps I am not perfect. But who among us is? A Cybertronian is not defined by the displays of his strength, but by how he confronts and overcomes his weaknesses. I ask all of you to look within yourself, and remember one thing. One thing, as you consider whether or not I would be a good leader:

Who forgot the Constructicons existed, then tried to take credit for building them?

Yeah. That's what I thought.

Now, if you will excuse me... Jim Rome has an appointment with my null ray.


	3. Re: Error Rate

To :Decepticon Forces

From: Crankcase(Data Auditor)

Re: Error Rate

Greetings my fellow conquestorians!

As you may well know, Megatron has recently placed me in charge of auditing our success rate on recent sorties. Our expected Mission Success Rate is 97.5, with an acceptable variance to goal of 94.5. As of this afternoon, our current success rate rests at 42.4. Dividing this into categories, our success rate against the Autobots is 4.7, and against human forces it is 11.2. However, our success in mall shop lifting is at a lofty 84.1, and sorties against vending machines is at 100! My thanks go out to Chop Shop and Brawl, respectively.

In reviewing this data, I have found a few recurring issues, which I hope to address here. Please note, I'm not trying to single anyone out! These are mistakes that have been made more than once, and the correction of which will serve to greatly improve our success rates.

**Human Allies - **We expect that mingling and conspiring with local wildlife will continue for the foreseeable future. Likewise, betraying those organic allies at key moments will always be a key facet of Decepticon strategy. Where we must improve is choosing the _right_ moment. In several of our human oriented plans, we have rushed the moment of betrayal. We all know it's great fun to pick up the human by their suit coat and dangle in the air while they sputter about the deal they made, but key threats must be eliminated before we can enjoy the fruits of our labor. It's also important that we account for any of the numerous human allies of the Autobots when proclaiming victory. The one we miss quite often finds the crucial flaw and brings our plan crumbling down(and we all love Victor dearly, but let's stop following his "give them a chance with a hidden escape" philosophy. We conquered Cybertron without his help, and he's running a pissant third rate Soviet Union splinter state. Consider the source, people. Consider the source.). It also bears mentioning that, while humans prove remarkably naive, and the general populace will blindly trust us no matter our past actions, they might eventually get a clue. Let's make the most of this avenue while we have it!

**Autobot Betrayal** - Several recent plans relied on the clever manipulation of Autobots into trusting us enough to betray their own. These plans work remarkably well, as Satisfaction Ratings in the Autobots are at an epic low. Many of these plans suffer from the same fault. We turn on the Autobots just as the plan comes to fruition. In many cases, if we'd held off the betrayal until a later point, we would have emerged victorious. Also, we should have recruited Red Alert to our cause. He knows every aspect of Autobot security, and he has a Netflix account.

**MacGuffins **- This is a catch all category for every scheme which involves either a very potent energy source, or a weapon of ultimate power. Some of you have read over the Evil Overlord list, which Shockwave made mandatory last year. However, for those who have not, this is an overview of our new SOP:

1) When finding a potent energy souce or weapon(referred to as a MacGuffin from this point forward), be sure to research it thoroughly. There are often conditions of its use conveniently inscribed in the lore. There is also the chance that, upon taking it, a guardian robot will activate, a giant boulder will roll after you, or an inconveniently placed security camera will lead to a damaging lawsuit.

2) Testing the power of a new MacGuffin is useful. However, DO NOT immediately rush off to fight the Autobots. Any new item must be subjected to a thorough investigation by the Constructicons, Shockwave, Soundwave, Starscream and Swindle(C&S) to determine its properties. It will then be given to Rumble and Frenzy in our "dumb luck" test.

3) There is a waiting period of no less than seven days before using a MacGuffin. You'd be surprised how many of these things have a finite limit, and they tend to wear off at the least convenient moments.

4) Hoarding a MacGuffin is strictly forbidden by order of Megatron. Any Decepticon found doing so will be subject to court martial, with punishments up to and including termination. Also, their rec room privlidges will be suspended, and they cannot check out books from our Community Library for 30 days.

5) Megatron will designate all authorized MacGuffin holders. Each designated holder will be flanked by a platoon of no less than a dozen Decepticons. The amount of mission failures stemming from a lucky shot, sneaky Autobot, or just plain poor handling are staggering.

6) No matter how good it sounds, we buy nothing from the Home Shopping Network. Need I remind you of the knock off Key to Vector Sigma incident?

**Follow Through - **While this has been mentioned in several of the other categories, it cannot be overstated. A major fault with many of our plans involves a distinct lack of follow through. While we all look forward to the day when the Autobots are scrap metal and human civilization is but dust at our feet, our celebration cannot come at the expense of being thorough. Have we slagged _all_ the Autobots? Is there a chance they _might_ be able to rebuild Optimus Prime? Can our secret weapon affect _us_ as well? Might we wait for drunken revelry until _after_ we've crushed our enemies? According to research, several Decepitcon plans might have come to fruition, if these simple questions had been asked.

Just remember to ask the question... are you doing everything _you_ can for Decepticon subjugation of the galaxy?

On another topic, Megatron wanted me to note that, as of now, we are using far too much overtime. Keep a careful eye on your timecards. Try to finish your work before you're off for the day but, if you've reached your full hours, clock out and let other Decepticons finishing fragging Autobot scum. This directly affects our end of the year Goal Sharing Energon bonus, and you don't want to be the one who ruins it for everyone else.

Finally, it's that time of year again. Shrapnel will be offering homemade Valentine Sweetheart Candy baskets for a low five Energon cubes. He will deliver outside of the Nemesis this year for a low additional fee. He also picked up extra gold felt, so we won't have a repeat of last year's devastating brawl over the last Electrum Special.

Have a fantastic day and remember: YOU are what makes the Decepticon army special!


	4. Re: Mix Tape

To: Decepticon Forces

From: Soundwave, Decepticon Communications

Re: Mix Tape

To whoever took the mix tape labelled "Soundwave Does the '80s" from the lounge area, please return it to me. It is not, in fact, a mix tape. It is Squalktalk locked in his alt mode due to a tragic accident with an Amazing Amanda doll, a tube of toothpaste and a microwave. I am offering a reward of 25 energon cubes, no questions asked.

Also, Rumble would like the April 2006 issue of Cosmo returned to him, Spectro. You've had it for four weeks now, quite enough to study the photography techniques.

Finally, to the person or persons responsible for placing an iTunes gift card under the door to my quarters: Very funny. Everyone knows Apple hasn't put out a decent product since the //c, no matter what their ad department tells you. Also, I am not obsolete until Steve Jobs is able to launch an entire squadron from his torso. In summation: bite my aft, glitch.


End file.
